Is There a Difference Between Adults and Kids Living Abroad?

Someone wrote to me this week that there is no difference between adults and children living abroad in different cultures. I am sorry but I cannot agree with this statement because it just is not true. There are many things that are the same:

1. Both adults and children can experience a culture shock on transitioning to a new country.
2. Both can struggle to learn the new language. Usually the kids win this one!
3. Both need to discover what the rules and customs are in a country. The kids usually adapt quicker than the adults.

Madurodam, in the Netherlands

The difference is that the adults have formed their identity before moving to the new country. The child is still is still in the process of forming his or her identity. So the key word here is: identity. In my latest post I wrote about identity. Culture is linked to identity. Once you do know how a culture works it gives us a sense of belonging, identity and confidence. The problem with third culture kids is that they might think they know the culture and then suddenly they move to a new country and the culture is different. Our family, our community and the place we live in serve as mirrors to us. A child forms their own identity by using these mirrors. When the mirrors change the identity formation is much more of a challenge. This is the crucial difference between adults and children living and moving abroad.

I believe there are things that parents can do to help kids form their identity and to help third culture kids feel less of a victim of their circumstances. In the end no one grows up in perfect conditions. Maybe I will write about this in the future.

10 Things parents can do to help their children form their identity and thrive while growing up abroad:

1. Regularly return to the passport country, for me that was the Netherlands.
2. If possible return to the same place for a period of time in the passport country. We usually spent part of our leave on the family farm in Friesland, in the north of the Netherlands. It helps kids bond with that place. Julia Munroe Martin writes about where she spent her summer vacations. "I had no place to call home. The closest I ever felt to home was with my grandmother at her house in Poland, Ohio, on the banks of Yellow Creek."
3. Tell stories about your heritage. Tell stories about the grandparents. Research shows that children who know more about their family background are more resilient. Here's an article about it in the New York Times.
4. Teach children their mother tongue. Speak it to them and encourage them to speak it. There is an interesting link between language and identity!
5. Help the children to be in contact with their family abroad. Here are some great suggestions by Libby Stephens on grandparenting over the seas.
6. Have your own family traditions. Develop your own way of celebrating birthdays or special days. While I grew up in Africa we celebrated Sinterklaas every year.
7. Encourage children to have a treasure box, with special small items from the countries they have lived in.
8. Help children say goodbye well when they leave a country, so that they can start anew in a healthy way.
9. Help children when they transition back to their passport country. If possible let them have their own debriefing*. The transition back is very challenging.
10. If children are transitioning back for college or university you can consider getting a mentor to mentor them during the transition period. There is a new mentoring program for expat teens done by Sea Change Mentoring.

Do you have any suggestions how we can help our kids? Do you agree that there is a difference between adults and children living and moving abroad?

* Debriefing is telling our story, complete with experiences and feelings, from our point of view. It is a verbal processing of past events. Debriefing includes both facts and emotional responses, and invites feedback.

Related posts:
Third culture kids self-identity books
Sharing our Roots Interview (on Life with a Double Buggy)
Learning to Grieve well (on Communicating across Boundaries)
The discomfort of re-entry back home (on Sara Taber's blog)

Reporting from EuroTCK in Germany

I am very privileged to be able to attend the Euro TCK conference in Germany at the moment. I will try and share some of the information I am hearing here. I have never been in a place where there are so many people interested in third culture kids and so many workshops about all kinds of topics related to third culture kids. To my delight the main speaker is Ruth van Reken, she is the co-author together with D.Pollock of the book "Third Culture Kids, Growing Up Among Worlds".

This morning Ruth talked about Living with change. One of the things her father always said was "unpack your bags and plant your trees". So make Sure you fully start living in the new place or country you have moved to.

We heard about how we learn about culture.


1. We learn the rules as children.
2. We test the rules as adolescents.
3. We internalize and operate the rules as adults.

As we grow up we learn about culture. Our family, our community and the place we live in serve as mirrors to us. A child form's their own identity by using these mirrors. What happens when children grow up internationally in many different places and countries is that these mirrors keep changing which makes it more complicated to form the own identity.

Once you do know how a culture works it gives us a sense of belonging, identity and confidence. We know how it works!

Ruth mentioned that there are 3 different ways children react when they enter a new culture.

1. The chameleon: tries to find "same as" identity.

Ruth van Reken at Eurotck 2013

2. The screamer: tries to find a "different from" identity.
3. The wallflower: tries to find the "non-identity", to be invisible.

We had a discussion during our session and some adult third culture kids said sometimes they were a chameleon but at other times they really wanted to be different and they acted more as the "screamer".

Tomorrow Ruth van Reken is speaking about growing through change.

Related Posts:
Guestblog an Ode to Third Culture Kids by Casey
I am from ....and where are you from?
An interview with graphic design student Jessica on her third culture kid book project

Just the Right Book if You are Dreaming of a Portable Career

"Harness the winds of change for yourself and use them to sail to your next career destination".

This is just one of the great quotes in the 4th edition of A Career in Your Suitcase by Jo Parfitt and Colleen Reichrath-Smith. I am interested in this book even though I am not a trailing spouse but I am an adult third culture kid. I grew up moving around the globe and one of my dreams is to one day have a portable career. A career that I can just take with me when I move to the other side of the world for a couple of months or for longer. As it happens I am making a career change at the moment which is why I really enjoyed the book.

A portable career is work that you can take with you wherever you go. A portable career is based on who you are, your passion, your unique gifts and ability. It's the expression of yourself in your work.

The first couple of chapters are about finding your direction. What is your passion? The second part of the book helps you see your opportunity. The book is full of tips, inspiring quotes, exercises, resources and websites. The third part of the book puts it all together and adds practical information about working for yourself.

The book is inspiring and gives you lots of food for thought and for action of course. Something that struck me was the importance of connecting with other people. Barbara Sher, bestselling author of "I Could Do Anything If Only I Knew What it Was", advises, "Failure to achieve our career ambitions does not result from a lousy attitude; rather from isolation." There are many examples in the book of expat wives that connect with others abroad and discover their passions. Jo Parfitt tells her story of how she wrote a cookbook called Dates in Oman and became a successful journalist in Dubai. Now she runs Summertime Publishing.

Colleen Reichrath-Smith made an international move from Canada to the Netherlands for love. She shares her personal story and the challenges she faced on this journey like having to get her driving license in the Netherlands. Colleen has years of experience working in the career field.

The winds of change are blowing over this globe. In this time of globalization many people are making international moves and I honestly believe that the number of people with a portable career will increase. This book is worth reading because it's a great tool that will help you discover your skills and how you can use them to reach your goal. By the way it's very important to write down your goals. You should have a mission statement, there's more about that in the book. You will be put to work but it's worth it in the end. 

This is what Ruth van Reken, Co-author of Third Culture Kids: The Experience of Growing up Among Worlds, Co-founder of Families in Global Transition says about the book.  

"Through her Career In Your Suitcase program, Jo Parfitt helps people everywhere think outside of their traditional boxes. She not only teaches but models how each of us can make all the pieces of our lives work together to form something new and satisfying in the middle of a changing world. I recommend this book highly to all who want to learn how to begin seeing the possibilities of new beginnings they may not have recognised before."

For more information check the website Careerinyoursuitcase.com. You can follow @SuitcaseCareer on twitter. You can buy the book A Career in Your Suitcase here.

By the way if you buy A Career in Your Suitcase online from 12th - 16th May on Kindle it's free!

Interested in what others say about Career in Your Suitcase?

• Here's what Norman from the Expat Everyday Support Centre says.
• A review by Alison Day Designs

There's a webinar Create Your Portable Career by Colleen Reichrath-Smith on 23rd April 2013 2pm Sydney time.

Please share your experiences of your portable career if you have one.

Easter twitter update all about kids growing up in other cultures

My last twitter update was in March 2012 so it's time to keep you posted with some nice new links. I always hope that you find new interesting information here on this blog and that it motivates you to return again some time soon. If you follow me on twitter @DrieCulturen you will get the news faster of course. By the way it's colder here in the Netherlands than it was at Christmas last year. There was snow at Easter, so now I am dreaming of the warm sun in Indonesia.

Sharing 10 great links with you:

1. 10 Things Expats Raising Children in England should know by Bonnie Rose, who is an expat living in England, she grew up a third culture kid living on military bases.
2. New: third culture kids Linda and Cassandra tell about what it's like to grow up in Jakarta, Indonesia

   

   Dreaming of Indonesia and the warm sun

   “Lucky!”... http://bit.ly/XR1Tf7 "It is difficult being a third culture kid but we would not trade the life we have lived, as it is unique." 
3. 15 Things I want to tell my Third Culture Kids by Rachel Pieh Jones. A post written by an expat mum raising her kids abroad. This post has been shared many times on twitter since it was posted. It's worth reading.
4. Insightful article in the Copenhagen Post today about "Growing up half-Danish: A tale of Two Cultures" http://bit.ly/XmNETz 
5. Gr8 challenge by @expatyouth for expat kids betw13-18 yrs Make a video: How you will make a better world... http://t.co/ZHE2bhDHmv
6. Inspiring! Write your way to a happier & healthier you by @RawiaLiverpool http://t.co/JHQPXArX0Y Good idea for expats and TCKs
7. So true "when ripe you can smell it from a distance....guavas!" http://t.co/MM5i7bhBU9 Brings back memories of growing up in Africa
8. Where are you from? Third Culture Kids delve into complex answers at Clark University conference.. http://tinyurl.com/c3sboxp 
9. Knowing yr family narrative shown to be gr8 predictor of resilience. Super advice 4 our expat kids! http://tinyurl.com/d2jrqd3
10. Linda @in_expatland Attended Families in Global Transition conference & came away INSPIRED http://wp.me/p1iIk2-n3  Top 10 Reasons Why FIGT Rocked

Do you have any interesting links to share? Please add them. Just in case you did not read the guest blog by Casey then you should just read "An Ode to the Third Culture Kids". 

Photo by Janneke @DrieCulturen

Guestblog "An Ode to the Third Culture Kids" by Casey

Recently I discovered a very interesting blog called True Colours. It's a lovely blog written by Casey. She loves traveling and has beautiful photos on her blog, you should have a look. I just fell in love with her Ode to Third Culture Kids. I am so glad Casey agreed to let me share it with you here. It's over to Casey.

An Ode to the Third Culture Kids

If this title confuses you, just bear with me and I'll provide a background on what I'm talking about.  But to start, one of the things I hope to accomplish on this blog is to promote understanding & to negate ignorances.  I think in order to do that, we need to start with my backstory to understand where we're going with this today.

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know that I was born and raised in Saudi Arabia.  

My home for all of my childhood, it was truly all I knew.  

It was home. 

So when it was time to leave, I left as a pre-teen child knowing that the goodbyes I was saying to my friends, my childhood home, the country I knew and loved, 

I knew I'd probably never see any of them again.

That day we left Saudi was heartbreaking, not just for me but for my parents too.  

I'll never forget the feeling that crept up on me that day, it truly changed my life.

From then on, the first couple years back in the States I had a really hard time. Not necessarily adjusting to life here or meeting new friends, but in the fact that I felt like a whole part of me was suddenly missing. Something I couldn't really explain to people that didn't understand.

For years, I HATED the question "where are you from?"  

I couldn't answer it without going into the whole story because I wasn't really "from" Saudi, 

but it had been my birthplace, my home.

And I wasn't "from" the States either, somehow that seemed far more foreign to me than saying I was from Saudi.  

And hence came many many years of not really feeling at home anywhere, never truly feeling like I was "home" in the States, nor that it was truly what defined my citizenship.

I had no one except my parents that understood this, though they also were in a different boat than me.  Their time in Saudi had been in adulthood, with many years in the States before that and so while they tried as hard as they could, it wasn't a feeling they could totally understand either.

Through my high school years the connection to my Saudi childhood friends over the internet helped tremendously.  At times when I'd really miss it, I'd talk to them.  I'd look at their photos of our old home and reminisce with them about when we were kids.  

Many of them I still am in contact with today.  

I apologize that this post is so winded, but here in lies the rub, this is the story of my life and it is winded.

I can't just say "I'm from Oregon" and be done with it.

Or "I'm American" and be done with it... because even though now both of those hold true,

they don't paint the whole picture, just a tiny part of it.

So anyways, in college I came across the term "3rd culture kid."

And it seriously changed my life.  This term describes kids like me, born and raised in a foreign country but a citizen of another and somewhere in between both of those, lies a 3rd culture we've sort of created for ourselves, a mixture of the 2 that we "belong" to.

To finally be able to see my situation written in a word, to finally be able to express what I had been feeling all those years in a way someone else might be able to understand. 

It was a huge revelation.

And then just the other day I came across this article talking about the exact same thing but relaying a single world for the feelings I've had for years.  "Saudade," a Portuguese word without an equivalent in English means "a longing, a melancholy, a desire for what was and something that really won't ever be again."

That word stopped me in my tracks the other day as I read the article (forwarded to me by a friend from Saudi).  That one word is one that I hold with me everyday in my heart and I've been holding it for a very long time now without even knowing the word that described it.

To really imagine the feeling, imagine the place you grew up, your house, your home, your friends, your family, your hobbies, your reality, gone in 1 day, knowing you'd never see it again. 

I guess my point in all this is that sometimes, as 3rd culture kids, no one understands why we feel this way.  People always tell me, "well you're American though, so I don't get it."

And I wish it were that simple but it is far from that.

While my passport has always been American, in large letters in the place of birth category is written

prominently "Saudi Arabia" and there is the story of my life.

Caught between 2 cultures that have never been truly mine, either one of them.

So now years down the road, I look back and can understand a little better what I went through and what I felt is felt by 3rd culture kids all around the world.  

And so here is my ode to the 3rd culture kids around the globe, may we find peace in who we are, where we come from and how the world has shaped us.  

And may others try to understand that it isn't so black and white for us, 

that sometimes cultures blur, boundaries are undefined.  

I think as a world we need to understand this more and as more and more lines do blur,

we must know that our hearts can hold pieces of our "homes," even if that home can't be 

drawn on a map.

I'll always be a little "Arab" and I'm so thankful for that because it's a huge part of who I am

and I hope it always will be.

Now when someone asks me where I'm from, I smile and respond

"I grew up in Saudi Arabia."

And then I wait for the questions that always seem to follow...

  Photo copyright Nick Nieto

Casey on twitter @cmart1015
Bloglovin' True Colours
Casey wrote another post recently: A Little bit of Background